The Monday List

Ten Things We're Really, Really Bored Of Seeing On Christmas TV

M&S adverts that last longer than the programmes they're shown between
The controversial 'alternative Queen's Speech' that's neither alternative nor controversial
Christmas Day episodes of sitcoms that don't actually mention anything to do with Christmas
Anything that borrows from the plots of A Christmas Carol or It's A Wonderful Life

Adverts filmed in three foot of fake snow in The Pantiles, Tunbridge Wells
End of year countdown clip shows
Children dressed as snowflakes
Compilations of old Morecambe and Wise Christmas specials
Adverts for liqueurs you wouldn't drink at any other time of year
Doctor chuffing Who

The (Xmas) Adge Files

Happy Jarred Christmas!

Sadvent Calendar – It's Chriiiiiiiistmas!

And it's…

GEORGE CLOONEY!!!!!

Oh, come on! Who else were you expecting to come down our chimney after "a festive go"? A go? Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas everyone! (Not that we're any less sad when we're making merry, mind you...)

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Sadvent Calendar – Christmas Eve!

It's…

Denzil and Gwynedd! Because the very least you can do are have a merry Christmas. With pigs' nerves, a crumb and a sausage on yeeowr lip and your chicken-skin shoes put on special. And why do the festive season suck? Because it haven't got any teeth, etc.

Sadvent Calendar – 23 December

It's…

James Herbert! Because you never know when you may need to go south of the river, or expert help writing "Bum" on a wall.

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Sadvent Calendar – 22 December

It's…

Joel, Lou and Mankini from The Soup! Because it's been the best thing on TV for ages now. Sooo meaty...

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Rock Stars Who Look Like Dinner Ladies

No 11: Noddy Holder, Slade

Sadvent Calendar – 21 December

It's…

Father Fintan Stack! Because we've had our fun and that's all that matters.

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The Monday List

Ten Song Titles Featuring Real People

Michael Caine, Madness
The Ballad Of Chasey Lain, Bloodhound Gang
John Wayne Is Big Leggy, Haysi Fantazee
Grace Kelly, Mika
Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz
Janie Jones, The Clash
Bela Lugosi's Dead, Bauhaus
Joan Crawford, Blue Oyster Cult
Gary Gilmore's Eyes, The Adverts
Kevin Carter, Manic Street Preachers

Sadvent Calendar – 20 December

It's…

Courtney Love! Oh Hole-y night…

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Sadvent Calendar – 19 December

It's…

Edgar and Johnny Winter. Because it's winter. Like, duuuuh!

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Sadvent Calendar - 18 December

It's…

Lena Headey! Because she's cool, classy, talented, intelligent and effortlessly convincing in "strong woman" roles, rather than seeming like the token hot chick or a clunky nod to equal-opportunities casting. Plus, the bit where she stabs that posh Deedah* Dominic West in 300 is the mutt's.

*Can we say Deedah? Is it racialist?

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Old Comedy Routines Reheated With A Topical Twist

No1 in a series of… Oh, come on, do we really need to spell it out to you?

Sadvent Calendar – 17 December

It's…

Gerard GerARD "Call me Gerry!" Butler. Largely for managing to look good in a silly Leprechaun hat and because we love 300 and he'd probably be fun to go down the pub with. The slightest hint of dude-ity or an ass picnic, though, and we're going home.

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Sadvent Calendar – 16 December

It's…

Peter Steele! Aww, Uncle P, what can we say? Well, nothing that'll bring you back so we'll just chug some cheap red straight from the bottle and ding the Irony Bell until we pass out or a Chopper Coppers repeat comes on TV or something. RIP, big doom metal goth DOOM METAL! WHOSE CHUFFING BLOG IS THIS ANYWAY? October Rust was definitely more of a goth album ***SLAP!*** doom metal fella!

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Sadvent Calendar – 15 December

It's…

Ben Fogle! This picture was taken shortly after he tried to fob us off with petrol station flowers as a Christmas gift. Next time, he'll know to make it batteries – we get through quite a lot of those – and a few bags of Wicked Pig in assorted flavours, but not Firecracker Chilli, thanks. Luckily for Ben, we can never stay cross with him for long, so we wish him a Merry Christmas! And pass on our season's greetings to Dr Chinny too. OK, and Crackers, because he's been poorly, but he was still a massive clodge on that programme.

Sadvent Calendar – 14 December

It's…

The Blessed St Stevie of Nicks! Rattling her fairy tambourine and demonstrating her inability to tilt her head back over the sink at the hairdresser's because she was Marie Antoinette in a previous life or summink (and not at all because of all the cheap ningle she did in the Eighties, oh no). We'd let dance her round the Planet Sad Towers living room with her mystic gypsy shawl any time, as long as she didn't knock over our bowl of Barbeque Snack-a-jacks mid-twirl. Er, Stevie, is that white-winged dove housetrained?

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The Monday List

Ten Song Titles Featuring Fictional Characters

Perry Mason, Ozzy Osbourne
Simon Templar, Splodgenessabounds
Dirty Harry, Gorillaz
James Bond, The Selecter
Romeo And Juliet, Dire Straits
Grimly Fiendish, The Damned
Billy Budd, Morrissey
Mulder And Scully, Catatonia
Arthur Daley 'E's Alright, The Firm
Tom Sawyer, Rush

Sadvent Calendar - 13 December

It's…

Steve Buscemi! Why's he looking so pleased with himself here? Because Planet Sad think he's THE TITS, that's why!

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Sadvent Calendar – 12 December

It's…

Fenella! The churlish Welsh kettle-witch from Chorlton And The Wheelies was a major role model in our formative years and remains so today. Selected gems include screeching "ABERYSTWYTH!" as a swear word and "Ohh, I do ’ate flowers. ’Ow can anyone like them?" Nice one, little old lady!

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Sadvent Calendar – 11 December

It's…

Bruce Jenner! Originally best-known and loved as an Olympic gold medal-winning decathlete, Bruce has now come to epitomise "crying inside". We like to imagine him lounging on a beanbag at Planet Sad HQ, safely snuggled up beneath a Slanket, grateful fingers wrapped around a mug of cocoa with a slug of Tia Maria and mini-marshmallow sprinkles. Then we'd see a single tear* roll down one of those impossibly smooth cheeks as he watches that bit in Jason And The Argonauts where they rescue Patrick Troughton from the harpies, and we softly serenade him with the chorus of James's Sit Down…
*He has still got functioning tear ducts, right?

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The Adge Files

Attempting to solve the mystery of why some men just can't be bothered to go the whole hog and grow a beard, we delve into the magnificent sideburns of Wolverine, better known as Huge Ackman...

 

Sadvent Calendar – 10 December

It's...

Jamie Lee Curtis! Just another of our icons, is all!

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Rock Stars Who Look Like Dinner Ladies

No 10: Joe Elliott, Def Leppard

All together now - ooh, no, Jooooooeeee!

Sadvent Calendar – 9 December

It's…

Drewe "Big Drewey" Broughton! Man of a thousand clubs (987 of them on loan). All the candles on the Sadvent Tree are scented especially for you, Drewey! Now shift your yoga mat, we're trying to watch Homes Under The Hammer.

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Amazing 'Bourne To Score' Lookalike

QPR striker Jamie Mackie (okay, so he's in a Plymouth shirt, but hey, it was a choice between picture research and The Hairy Bikers' Cook-off) and Matt Damon:

Sadvent Calendar - 8 December

It's…

THE GREAT KAT! "WORSHIP THE LITTLE BABY JESUS OR DIE!"
Exclusive! BRIAN BLESSED's response to this outburst just in: 
"EFFING AMATEUR!"
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Sadvent Calendar – 7 December

It's…

Muse! Because last year, the Kens brung turkey sandwiches to ours. Although they huffed off when they realised our cassava-based no-frills snack selection had been put into a Tupperware bowl just because, and not due to any desire on our part to let them have a share. Here's wishing a supermassive Christmas to Goldie Hawn and That Ken Kurt Russell's maybe future son-in-law, the Rotherham United fan (YAY!) and the other one.

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The Monday List

Ten Alternative Terms For Haemorrhoids

Chalfont St Giles
Voodoo Chiles
Metric Miles
Farmer Giles
Feminine Wiles
Nobby Stiles
Tate and Lyles
Ashley Giles
Seven Dials
Adrian Chiles

Johnny Gi-iles...

Sadvent Calendar – 6 December

It's…

Danny Noriega! Because some people weren't lik-ing it! Obviously. "Dunk a doo balls!" woman might have been a more up-to-date choice, but that's us for you. We'll probably resort to her next year.

Amazing Political Jerk Lookalikes

Desmond Swayne – Conservative MP for New Forest West and Parliamentary Private Secretary to David Cameron – and Steve Martin.

"RUPRECHT!"

Sadvent Calendar – 5 December

It's…

Henry Rollins! Just for shits and giggles, we asked him if he'd be the fairy on top of our tree, in spangled tights, chiffon wings and a little wand with a pink star on the end that lights up and possibly makes a soft "Bing!" sound. We thought he'd punch us but instead he gave us a look that said, "Oh, Planet Sad, you've let me down, you've let yourselves down but, most of all, you've let down Christmas itself." And that hurt us more than any punch would have.

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The Adge Files

Devoted to hunting down facial hair that really doesn't know when to quit. This time, Bret McKenzie from comedy duo Flight Of The Conchords modelling another comedy duo, one on each side of his face...

Sadvent Calendar – 4 December

It's…

Howard Webb! "Ho ho ho! ’Ello, ’ello, ’ello!"
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Great Random Moments In Fashion History

No 6: The lie of Ian Poulter's trousers allows Planet Sad caption writer to roll in a 'getting one's jugs out' joke from six feet:

 

Sadvent Calender – 3 December

It's…

Shannon Leto! ’Tis the season to be asking "Fancy a roast, Potato?" Behold the look of abject horror surprise and delight upon his little face!
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Sadvent Calendar – 2 December

It's…

Sex Machine! Because the way we like him is the way he is!
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Sadvent Calendar – 1 December

It's…

The lovely Ivor! Because you're never too old for a Sadvent Calendar!

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We're Branching Out!

Introducing the Sadvent Tree! Every day a new Planet Sad celebrity favourite will be revealed. Visit our little online hovel each day from tomorrow (1 December) to find out who's exposed when we drop our baubles!

The Monday List

Ten Footballers Who Sound Like Musicians

Chris Martin (Port Vale)
Paul Jones (Exeter City)
John Miles (Fleetwood Town)
Brian Wilson (Colchester United)
Alan White (Stalybridge Celtic)
James Brown (Hartlepool)
Robbie Williams (Stockport County)
Peter Murphy (Carlisle)
Tommy Lee (Chesterfield)
Andy Taylor (Sheffield United)

The Monday List

Ten More Songs By Acts You've Never Heard Of Before, Since Or During

Don't Call Me Baby, Madison Avenue
Finally, C C Peniston
Crush, Jennifer Paige
Bad Day, Daniel Powter
Life In A Northern Town, Dream Academy
Kiss The Rain, Billie Myers
Bitch, Meredith Brooks
Your Woman, White Town
You're Gorgeous, Baby Bird
On A Rope, Rocket From The Crypt

The Adge Files

This week, the Adge your granny used to like, probably:

Thank you very much...

The Monday List

Ten More Celebrities Who Look Like Potatoes

Adrian Chiles
David Sullivan
Ross Kemp
Ian Woosnam
Jimmy Somerville
Nicola Duffett
Vic Reeves
Russell Grant
Eamonn Holmes
Sarah Kennedy

Great Random Moments In Fashion History

No 5: Aubrey O'Day arrives at an awards ceremony, straight from her part-time job as a toilet roll cover:

Amazing Good Food, Bad Lieutenant Lookalikes!

Nigel Slater and Harvey Keitel
"Show me how you suck a guy's cock. Er, sorry, I mean whip up a fiendishly simple yet delicious Hollandaise."

The Monday List

Ten More People Who Always Look Like They're About To Cry

Sandra Oh
Christian Chivu
Shaun Williamson
Jack White
Tania Bryer
Glen Roeder
Roger Taylor out of Duran Duran
Benoit Assou-Ekotto
Hayden Christensen
Mary Pierce

The Adge Files

Edgar Winter proves magnificent sidies can be ultra-glam. Sheer class, even with the nip-slip, and we're not actually being sarky here.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Gavin Henson. With his twitching man-tits, injection-moulded six-pack and idiotic Juan Sheet cummerbund, he once again brings SHAME on WALES. For weeks, we overlooked it but we can maintain our silence no more. Henson, J'ACCUSE of MUSE ABUSE!

Because on Saturday 30 October 2010, THIS happened (click on image to avoid eyestrain!):

The Adge Files

Move along now, there's nothing to see here except Nicolas Cage, wearing those sideburns he wears when he's acting...

The Monday List

Ten Entries We'd Like To See In Next Year's Top Hundred Children's Names

Haribo

Lovat

Illtyd

Hepzibah

Fly-fornication

Monboddo

Chlamydia

Taramasalata

Deuteronomy Son Of Gath

Derek

Planet Sad Will Not Be Answering The Door To Trick Or Treaters Tonight

Because last time we let our guard down enough to offer pound shop pick 'n mix to the local population, we got a visit from...

Happy Hallowe'en everyone! 


 

The Monday List

Ten Great Nicknames From Non-league Football

The Bloods (Droylsden)
The Knitters (Hinckley United)
The Terrors (Tooting & Mitcham)
The Dolphins (Poole Town)
The Poppies (Kettering)
The Gingerbreads (Grantham Town)
The Synners (Billingham Synthonia)
The Gladiators (Matlock)
The Trawler Boys (Lowestoft)
The Sulphurites (Harrogate Town)

The Adge Files

"Star-burns" from Community

The Adge Files

The wonderfully named Tim Maddams, head chef at the River Cottage Canteen.

Meat and two Adge? Always on the menu!

The Monday List

Ten More Celebrities Who Are Slightly Too Pleased With Themselves
Caroline Quentin
Ricky Gervais
Suzy Perry
Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor)
  
Dr Christian Jenner
Myleene Klass
Mark Foster
Taylor Momsen
Chris Packham
Cilla Black

The Adge Files

Our continuing pursuit to bring you men whose facial hair is less mutton chop and more the entire sheep. This week, Patrick Stump out of Fall Out Boy:

The Monday List

Ten People Who Always Look Like They Need A Good Night's Sleep

Roberto di Matteo
Shoaib Akhtar
Ken Stott
Jo Brand
Maxi Jazz
Steve Buscemi
James Franco
Mark E. Smith
Miranda Sawyer
Mesut Ozil