Boy Band Members Who Sound Like A Cider Named By A Committee Whose Brief Was "Refreshingly Rustic"

No 1 (in another series of one, most likely):

Aston Merrygold

The Monday List

Ten Celebrity Unibrows
Liam Gallagher
 
Carol Smillie
Pete Sampras
Eric Cantona
Gaz out of Supergrass
Frida Kahlo
Salma Hayek, then
Kevin Allen
Ronnie O’Sullivan
Salizhan Sharipov

Cheesed Off!

So, there we were, idling our way through yet another episode of Car Booty, one of us distracted by a stubborn hangnail, the other daydreaming of tweaky-nippled cricketers, when the doorbell rang. Yes, it was George Clooney, once again angling for ‘a go’, armed with the latest weapon in his amorous arsenal. Having learned that one Planet Saddo is biologically half-mouse and the other is partial to a baked Époisses, he'd hatched a fiendish plot. Gone was his customary velvety purple monstrosity. And in its place…?

Our news contacts at HRT TV later informed us – amid much excited squeeing – that ‘Gorgeous’ had spent the morning at an upmarket dairy, where he’d cynically employed his easy charm and wit. Each female member of staff was made to feel like she was ‘the only woman in the universe when he looked at me with those eyes’, while the males developed man-crushes so intense that Russell T Davies and John Barrowman, who just happened to be present at the time, were heard to remark, ‘Steady on, chaps…’ Enraptured, the hapless salespeople were then persuaded to gather together every morsel of Montgomery Cheddar in stock and fashion it into one mighty truckle. From which was sliced a cheese sex ramp.

We, however, are made of sterner stuff. And so, when the Oscar winner turned up on our doorstep clutching his Curds & Wahey!™, we told him, ‘No, George Clooney, begone. We do not want “a go”. Look at the state of it, all ripe and sweating with a salty white bloom forming at the blunt end. The cheddar looks lovely, though, so hack us off a chunk before you get lost.’ At this point, Davies and Barrowman chanced to walk by, muttering phrases like ‘tired, crowbarred-in innuendoes’, ‘laboured, misfiring attempts at humour based on implausible coincidence’ and ‘it's only a proper tartiflette if you use Reblochon’. You gotta love The Gays, eh?

Clooney took advantage of the interruption to turn his liquescent brown gaze on us, in one final, desperate attempt to secure that elusive ‘go’. But Demi-Mouse, unwavering, pointed a tiny, delicate index finger towards a nearby bus stop, and ordered him to depart and ‘bash his Stinking Bishop’ alone.

As he retreated, he said he wasn’t ‘the sort of guy who’d vent his fury at rejection on a member of the clergy’. Was this a knowing jest? Alas, his arse wasn’t telling, no matter how much we stared at it as he trudged away. Then Demi-Mouse murmured something about toasties and Diagnosis Murder, and we knew we’d made the right decision once again.

Football Club Managers Who Sound Like Four-star Hotels

No 1 (in a series of one, most likely):

Morell Maison, Chester City 

And Speaking Of Awards Ceremonies...

...guess who turned up at Planet Sad Towers wanting to show us his Golden Globes? Yep, that's right. 

As you can see, the amount of shrift we gave him can only be viewed with the aid of an electron microscope. That'll teach him to turn up when Rafael Nadal is banging them down in the Rod Laver Arena.
 

Amazing "Argh! Not Him Again!" Lookalikes!

Nicholas Parsons and James Cameron
"I'm King Of The Woooorld!"
"Screw you, I'm Sale Of The Century!"

Fair play to you though, James, mate, if that world is Planet Sad, you're definitely king of it right now...

The Monday List

Ten Celebrities Who Are Slightly Too Pleased With Themselves
Nigella Lawson
Keith Emerson
Fiona Phillips
Brendan Cole
Carol Vorderman
Natasha Kaplinsky
Martin Lewis from Money Saving Expert
Escala
Beyoncé
Carla Bruni

DVD Choice

Brian Molko follows up his role in Velvet Goldmine with something a little darker.

Great Random Moments In Musical History

No 4: Courtney Love shows off her gusset to the few remaining people in the world who haven't seen it at the Video Music Awards

Amazing "On Another Planet" Lookalikes!

Stephen Lang – alias big, butch Colonel Quaritch in Avatar – and Derek Acorah. Frankly, we're more convinced by Pandora than by the spirit world, but we'd love to watch Most Haunted in 3D. "Blimey, it's like absolutely sod all jumped at me out of the screen right then!"

The Monday List

Ten Celebrities Who Look Like Ticket Touts
Gary Crowley
David Thewlis
John Galliano
Bob Goody
Gary Rhodes
Vince Clarke
Gary Oldman
Teddy Sheringham
Lee Cornes
Steve Buscemi

Shortly After This Photo Was Taken...

...Gary Moore left Thin Lizzy to spend eight years playing the part of Michelle Fowler in Eastenders. 

Planet Sad's Tribute To Men In Military Jackets

Call us bizarre, but one whiff of an epaulette and we come over all uneccessary. For that reason, we've rounded up a collection of celebs posing in military jackets. Some of them may look as though they haven't actually been washed since the Crimean War (Pete Doherty, we're talking to you), but if you enjoy brocade as much as we do - well, if you enjoy brocade as much as we do, you're probably not allowed in the haberdashery department of John Lewis any more...

Sean Bean: if you look up the word 'rugged' in the dictionary, you actually see this photo

 

David Hemmings: the other 599 riding into the Valley of Death not pictured

 

Adam Ant: actually, Adam, ridicule is something to be scared of...

 

Elton John: for queeny tantrum and country

 

Michael Jackson: he sewed all the sequins on himself, you know

 

The Libertines: charge of the shite brigade 

James May, Brush Your Hair!

It's only acceptable to look like a member of Pink Floyd in 1975 if you actually were a member of Pink Floyd in 1975... 

The Monday List

Ten Celebrity Big Girl's Blouses
Prince
Morrissey
Michael Flatley
David Ginola
David McAlmont
C3P0
Jonathan Morris
Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen
Marilyn Manson
Cristiano Ronaldo

Amazing Metaaaaaaal!!!! Lookalikes

The Terminator's James Cameron & Linda Hamilton
and Rob Halford & KK Downing out of Judas Priest