The Monday List

Ten Films That Borrow The Plot Of Romeo And Juliet
West Side Story
Romanoff and Juliet
Warm Bodies
Chicken Rice War
Romeo Must Die
Tromeo and Juliet
Love Is All There Is
Romeo and Juliet vs The Living Dead
Gnomeo and Juliet
Lion King 2: Simba's Pride

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 25 December

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

’Twas the morning of Christmas and outside our basement
Something was stirring and rattling the casement

We suspect it was also cry-wanking, and lamenting in a voice that was at once keening and heartbroken, yet at the same time oddly mellifluous, like melted pure Criollo chocolate slowly filling your cochleas, "I've made a huge mistake…", much like a bad Gob Bluth impersonation.

No idea who it was, probably some random who'd got lost on his way home from the pub.

Anyway, these Three Lidl Pigs In Blankets (sausage wrapped in ham wrapped in bacon – BARGAIN!) won't stuff themselves into our slavering maw, so we'll wish you a Merry Christmas and sod off until it's time for the next Monday List! SEASON'S GREETINGS! XXX

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 24 December

It's…

Jarvis Cocker! He reckons common people dance and drink and screw, because there's nothing else to do. We should be so lucky – all we get to do is compile tragic online calendars. Merry Christmas Eve to you all!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 23 December

It's…

Mark Cavendish! A sturdy V, but we're not sure about the crook-of-the-elbow Euro-gesture that's crept in with it. On your bike, son…

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 22 December

It's…

Margaret John! Everyone goes on about that bit in Gavin And Stacey where she sang that Smiths song, but for us, this is her finest moment. Welsh and sweary – what's not to like? You're sadly missed, Margaret.

The Monday List

Ten Bands With Unnecessary Punctuation In Their Names

Therapy?
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
fun.
Panic! At The Disco
Was (Not Was)
B*Witched
The Go! Team
Hear'Say
...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
Wham!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 21 December

It's…

Beyoncé! This picture was taken on the night that B's sister Solange went batshit at Jay Z. Not a very festive thought, so let's enjoy some of Solange's fabby dancing instead. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy9W_mrY_Vk

League Two Footballers Who Sound Like Concert Venues

Number one in a - OK, we'll skip that bit: Paris Cowan-Hall

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 20 December

It's…

Christina Aguilera! Here's Christina, pointing out how many of our lives we'll never get back after watching Burlesque.

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 19 December

It's…

Emma Bunton and Jade Jones! Because the couple that flicks together sticks together!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 18 December

It's…

Dewi Pws Morris! "Some naughty boy… 'e write the letter V on your cap!" Epic flicking, butt, but behave yourself. (Note to non-Welsh, non-rugby, non-1970s comedy-drama fans. Just go about your day and pretend this post never happened, OK?)

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 17 December

It's…

Samuel L Jackson! He has motherchuffing had it with motherchuffing flipping the motherchuffing bird, so now he's flicking vs instead.

Sadvent Calendar 2014 – 16 December

It's…

Pete Steele! Oh, Uncle Peter. You once described yourself as a "bag of mucus" and we're fond off all things phlegmish. Anyway, 'tis that day of the year when we traditionally stick you at the centre of our sad tree and remember you. Bet you're chuffed about that up in heaven, aren't you?

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 15 December

It's…

Stan Ridgway! From the video for his 1986 song Camouflage, which features a large, supernatural Marine uprooting a palm tree and using it to swat "Charlie", presumably to death. Lovely.

The Monday List

Ten Celebrity Frumps


Angela Merkel
Kathy Burke
Princess Anne
Sarah Millican
Anne Widdicombe
Jo Brand
Martha Stewart
Susan Boyle
Sandi Toksvig
Rosemary Schrager

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 14 December

It's…

Charles "Charlie" "Charles" Sheen! This V is brought to you by Tiger Blood and former porn stars, probably. Winning!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 13 December

It's…

Joe Biden! We were going to use this one earlier on, but we've been BIDEN our time. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sadvent Calendar 2014 – 12 December

It's…

Bilbo Baggins! A sneaky V from one of those sneaky little hobbitses…

Sadvent Calendar 2014 – 11 December

It's…

Ellie Goulding! We like to think this photo was taken during her set at Wills and Kate's wedding reception and… er, she may be engaged to Dougie out of McBusted. Or not. Whatevah.

SadVent Calendar 2014 - 10 December

It's…

Kim Kardashian! We did think about putting Kim on top of the tree, but if her backside is capable of breaking the internet, we hate to think what it'd do to our lovely Argos Value Range SadVent Fir. Artificial pine needles don't clean themselves up, you know.

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 9 December

It's…

Punk Nigel Farage! Well, actually, it isn't Nigel Farage, it's a fake Nigel Farage, but it's the best Photoshopping you're likely to see on this site, so just enjoy it, OK?

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 8 December

It's…

Chris Pratt! Happy though we are that he's doing well for himself (and as for the buffing up, fair play to yer, mate – not always easy when a Pom-Bear multipack's calling your name), a visit from the cuddlier Ghost of Pratt Past would be even more awesome sauce. Stuff his face, Anna Faris! By the way, Chris, if that pink, glowy thing in front of you is our Christmas present, make sure you include a couple of sets of batteries before you wrap it, OK? Because if we're forced to go to the 24-hour garage, we'll only get distracted by the Ginsters. Ta.

The Monday List

The Ten Most Manly Chuck Norris Character Names


J.J. McQuade (Lone Wolf McQuade)
Sean Kayne (An Eye for an Eye)
Chuck Slaughter (Huang mian lao hu)
Frank Shatter (Hellbound)
John T. Booker (Good Guys Wear Black)
Colt (Way Of The Dragon)
Max Donigan (Firewalker)
Matt Hunter (Invasion USA)
Jake Wilder (Top Dog)
Cordell Walker (Walker, Texas Ranger)

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 7 December

It's…

Charlie Brooker! Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. Hand swearing like that will get you banned from every chi-chi café and artisan sourdough bread emporium on Clapham's fashionable Northcote Road. And what kind of example is it to set the nippers? (Because we do seem to remember you may vaguely have mentioned you have children...)

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 6 December

It's…

Steven Gerrard!


Steve Gerrard, Gerrard,
He slipped on our Christmas card,
Does a V sign make him look hard?
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard...

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 5 December

It's…

Kevin Spacey! Forget the Old Vic, he's now Artistic Director of the bold flick!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 4 December

It's…

Neil DeGrasse Tyson! He may be a man of science, but he's turned V-flicking into an art form here!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 3 December

It's…

Pink! And if this is how she gets the party started, we'd like to see how she ends it. Probably face-down in a bowl of mulled wine having got inappropriately close to someone's elderly uncle during a game of Sardines. In which case she's welcome at Sad Towers any time...

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 2 December

It's…

Father Ted! This V sign isn't small, it's just far away.

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 1 December

Happy Sadvent everyone! Back, by (possibly) popular demand is the SadVent Calendar, our tragic, V-sign-flicking Christmas countdown. And, to kick things off, it's…

Rik Mayall! Because kicking off with anybody else would just be wrong. Thanks for the laughs, and Bottom(s) up to you, People's Poet. You will be sadly missed.

The Monday List

Ten Satellite TV Channels You've Probably Completely Forgotten About
Virgin 1
Setanta Sports News
Granada Men and Motors
Discovery Wings
UK Play
Nuts TV
BBC Choice
Carlton Food Network
MTV Flux
Fashion TV