The Monday List

Ten Films That Borrow The Plot Of Romeo And Juliet
West Side Story
Romanoff and Juliet
Warm Bodies
Chicken Rice War
Romeo Must Die
Tromeo and Juliet
Love Is All There Is
Romeo and Juliet vs The Living Dead
Gnomeo and Juliet
Lion King 2: Simba's Pride

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 25 December

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

’Twas the morning of Christmas and outside our basement
Something was stirring and rattling the casement

We suspect it was also cry-wanking, and lamenting in a voice that was at once keening and heartbroken, yet at the same time oddly mellifluous, like melted pure Criollo chocolate slowly filling your cochleas, "I've made a huge mistake…", much like a bad Gob Bluth impersonation.

No idea who it was, probably some random who'd got lost on his way home from the pub.

Anyway, these Three Lidl Pigs In Blankets (sausage wrapped in ham wrapped in bacon – BARGAIN!) won't stuff themselves into our slavering maw, so we'll wish you a Merry Christmas and sod off until it's time for the next Monday List! SEASON'S GREETINGS! XXX

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 24 December

It's…

Jarvis Cocker! He reckons common people dance and drink and screw, because there's nothing else to do. We should be so lucky – all we get to do is compile tragic online calendars. Merry Christmas Eve to you all!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 23 December

It's…

Mark Cavendish! A sturdy V, but we're not sure about the crook-of-the-elbow Euro-gesture that's crept in with it. On your bike, son…

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 22 December

It's…

Margaret John! Everyone goes on about that bit in Gavin And Stacey where she sang that Smiths song, but for us, this is her finest moment. Welsh and sweary – what's not to like? You're sadly missed, Margaret.

The Monday List

Ten Bands With Unnecessary Punctuation In Their Names

Therapy?
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
fun.
Panic! At The Disco
Was (Not Was)
B*Witched
The Go! Team
Hear'Say
...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
Wham!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 21 December

It's…

Beyoncé! This picture was taken on the night that B's sister Solange went batshit at Jay Z. Not a very festive thought, so let's enjoy some of Solange's fabby dancing instead. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy9W_mrY_Vk

League Two Footballers Who Sound Like Concert Venues

Number one in a - OK, we'll skip that bit: Paris Cowan-Hall

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 20 December

It's…

Christina Aguilera! Here's Christina, pointing out how many of our lives we'll never get back after watching Burlesque.

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 19 December

It's…

Emma Bunton and Jade Jones! Because the couple that flicks together sticks together!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 18 December

It's…

Dewi Pws Morris! "Some naughty boy… 'e write the letter V on your cap!" Epic flicking, butt, but behave yourself. (Note to non-Welsh, non-rugby, non-1970s comedy-drama fans. Just go about your day and pretend this post never happened, OK?)

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 17 December

It's…

Samuel L Jackson! He has motherchuffing had it with motherchuffing flipping the motherchuffing bird, so now he's flicking vs instead.

Sadvent Calendar 2014 – 16 December

It's…

Pete Steele! Oh, Uncle Peter. You once described yourself as a "bag of mucus" and we're fond off all things phlegmish. Anyway, 'tis that day of the year when we traditionally stick you at the centre of our sad tree and remember you. Bet you're chuffed about that up in heaven, aren't you?

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 15 December

It's…

Stan Ridgway! From the video for his 1986 song Camouflage, which features a large, supernatural Marine uprooting a palm tree and using it to swat "Charlie", presumably to death. Lovely.

The Monday List

Ten Celebrity Frumps


Angela Merkel
Kathy Burke
Princess Anne
Sarah Millican
Anne Widdicombe
Jo Brand
Martha Stewart
Susan Boyle
Sandi Toksvig
Rosemary Schrager

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 14 December

It's…

Charles "Charlie" "Charles" Sheen! This V is brought to you by Tiger Blood and former porn stars, probably. Winning!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 13 December

It's…

Joe Biden! We were going to use this one earlier on, but we've been BIDEN our time. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sadvent Calendar 2014 – 12 December

It's…

Bilbo Baggins! A sneaky V from one of those sneaky little hobbitses…

Sadvent Calendar 2014 – 11 December

It's…

Ellie Goulding! We like to think this photo was taken during her set at Wills and Kate's wedding reception and… er, she may be engaged to Dougie out of McBusted. Or not. Whatevah.

SadVent Calendar 2014 - 10 December

It's…

Kim Kardashian! We did think about putting Kim on top of the tree, but if her backside is capable of breaking the internet, we hate to think what it'd do to our lovely Argos Value Range SadVent Fir. Artificial pine needles don't clean themselves up, you know.

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 9 December

It's…

Punk Nigel Farage! Well, actually, it isn't Nigel Farage, it's a fake Nigel Farage, but it's the best Photoshopping you're likely to see on this site, so just enjoy it, OK?

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 8 December

It's…

Chris Pratt! Happy though we are that he's doing well for himself (and as for the buffing up, fair play to yer, mate – not always easy when a Pom-Bear multipack's calling your name), a visit from the cuddlier Ghost of Pratt Past would be even more awesome sauce. Stuff his face, Anna Faris! By the way, Chris, if that pink, glowy thing in front of you is our Christmas present, make sure you include a couple of sets of batteries before you wrap it, OK? Because if we're forced to go to the 24-hour garage, we'll only get distracted by the Ginsters. Ta.

The Monday List

The Ten Most Manly Chuck Norris Character Names


J.J. McQuade (Lone Wolf McQuade)
Sean Kayne (An Eye for an Eye)
Chuck Slaughter (Huang mian lao hu)
Frank Shatter (Hellbound)
John T. Booker (Good Guys Wear Black)
Colt (Way Of The Dragon)
Max Donigan (Firewalker)
Matt Hunter (Invasion USA)
Jake Wilder (Top Dog)
Cordell Walker (Walker, Texas Ranger)

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 7 December

It's…

Charlie Brooker! Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. Hand swearing like that will get you banned from every chi-chi café and artisan sourdough bread emporium on Clapham's fashionable Northcote Road. And what kind of example is it to set the nippers? (Because we do seem to remember you may vaguely have mentioned you have children...)

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 6 December

It's…

Steven Gerrard!


Steve Gerrard, Gerrard,
He slipped on our Christmas card,
Does a V sign make him look hard?
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard...

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 5 December

It's…

Kevin Spacey! Forget the Old Vic, he's now Artistic Director of the bold flick!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 4 December

It's…

Neil DeGrasse Tyson! He may be a man of science, but he's turned V-flicking into an art form here!

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 3 December

It's…

Pink! And if this is how she gets the party started, we'd like to see how she ends it. Probably face-down in a bowl of mulled wine having got inappropriately close to someone's elderly uncle during a game of Sardines. In which case she's welcome at Sad Towers any time...

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 2 December

It's…

Father Ted! This V sign isn't small, it's just far away.

SadVent Calendar 2014 – 1 December

Happy Sadvent everyone! Back, by (possibly) popular demand is the SadVent Calendar, our tragic, V-sign-flicking Christmas countdown. And, to kick things off, it's…

Rik Mayall! Because kicking off with anybody else would just be wrong. Thanks for the laughs, and Bottom(s) up to you, People's Poet. You will be sadly missed.

The Monday List

Ten Satellite TV Channels You've Probably Completely Forgotten About
Virgin 1
Setanta Sports News
Granada Men and Motors
Discovery Wings
UK Play
Nuts TV
BBC Choice
Carlton Food Network
MTV Flux
Fashion TV

Great Random Costumes As Worn By The Manneken Pis

No 2: a scuba diver

The Monday List

Ten Music Videos That Feature Flight Attendants


Learn To Fly - Foo Fighters
Air Hostess - Busted
Toxic - Britney Spears
Blonde, Bad and Beautiful - Airbourne
Ten Miles Wide - Escape the Fate
Let's Get Ridiculous - Redfoo
Club Tropicana - Wham!
Everything To Me - Shane Filan
Do Wah Doo - Kate Nash
Mucho Macho (Sway) - Shaft

The Monday List

Ten Kids' Comics You've Probably Completely Forgotten About


Sparky
Whoopee!
Jinty
Look-in
Cheeky Weekly
Misty
Shiver and Shake
Tammy
Knockout
Buster

Amazing 'Fashion Icon' Lookalikes!

Yes, it's the Manneken Pis and Victoria Beckham, proving that the trench coat (and pulling a sour expression in public) will never go out of style...

Planet Sad's Ridiculously Manly Film Still Of The Day

You know  you must have reached your ridiculously manly threshold when you see this still from the forthcoming Furious 7 and all you can think is, 'Ho-hum, it's Dwayne Johnson titting around with a flamethrower...'

Happy Birthday Gerry 'Gerard' Butler

Okay, so we may have taken the mickey out of you relentlessly in the past (though if you are going to hang around with Jennifer 'we can smell the desperation from over here' Aniston, what can you expect?) But as it's your birthday today, we thought that just for once we'd let bygones be bygones and... Nah, who are we kidding? It's the perfect excuse to use this picture.

Apparently, this is you auditioning for the part of Dracula. We think it's actually your attempt to attract the three remaining women in Hoxton Russell Brand hasn't shagged yet.

The Monday List

Ten Actors Who've Fronted Ad Campaigns While Clearly Wondering Where Their Career Went...

Orson Welles (Domecq sherry)
Kevin Bacon (EE)
Martine McCutcheon (Activia)
James Lance (Money Supermarket)
Ray Liotta (1800 Tequila)
Andie MacDowell (L'Oreal)
Jason Donovan (Iceland)
Al Pacino (Sky)
Eva Longoria (Sheba)
Jamie Lee Curtis (Activia)

The Monday List

A Further Ten Celebrity Couples You'd Probably Completely Forgotten About


Martina Hingis and Sergio Garcia
Naomi Campbell and Robert de Niro
Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan
Midge Ure and Annabel Giles
Brian McFadden and Kerry Katona
Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin
Sol Campbell and Kelly Hoppen
Jim Kerr and Patsy Kensit
Michelle Pfeiffer and Fisher Stevens
Liz McClarnon and Lee Trundle

Great Random Costumes As Worn By The Manneken Pis

No 1 (because it's Hallowe'en, you understand): a vampire

 

Brad Pitt Is Very Disappointed In You

Great Random Moments In Musical History

No 12: Mariah Carey enables us to do a cheap 'getting the puppies out in concert' gag

The Monday List

Ooh Look, It's Ten More Completely Unnecessary Cover Versions


She - Elvis Costello
Somewhere Only We Know - Lily Allen
Strawberry Fields Forever - Candy Flip
Blue Monday - Orgy
Word Up - Little Mix
All Star - Chunk! No Captain Chunk!
Don't Stop - Nina Nesbit
I Have A Dream - Westlife
I'll Never Fall In Love Again - Deacon Blue
Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) - Marilyn Manson

Rock Stars Who Look Like Dinner Ladies

No 30: Billy J Kramer

The Adge Files - In Memoriam

With a heavy heart, Planet Sad marks the passing of Alvin Stardust, the man who taught us how to cross the road by means of wearing black leather and sporting sideburns the size of Swindon. We truly were his Coo Ca Choo. We used to go round and groove on the mat until he asked to please not do that any more. He and his Adge will be missed (apart from that stint they had on Hollyoaks, of course...)

The Monday List

Ten Music Videos That Are Set In A Diner


Take A Look Around - Limp Bizkit
She Works Hard For The Money - Donna Summer
High And Dry - Radiohead
Love Someone Else - Lower Than Atlantis
Joanna - Kool And The Gang
Want U Back - Cher Lloyd
Sell Out - Reel Big Fish
Forget You - Cee Lo Green
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
MS MR - Fantasy

The Monday List

Son Of Ten Sitcoms You've Probably Completely Forgotten About


Big Top
The Cuckoo Waltz
Luv
How Do You Want Me?
Swiss Toni
Chance in a Million
Baddiel's Syndrome
Lab Rats
You Rang, M'Lord?
Time Gentlemen Please

The Monday List

The Long Overdue Return Of Ten Celebrities Who Are Slightly Too Pleased With Themselves


Paul Hollywood
Susanna Reid
Kim Kardashian
Jason Gardiner
Nigel Slater
Michael McIntyre
Miranda Kerr
Piers Morgan
Matt Dawson
Gwyneth Paltrow

The Monday List

Ten Bands Who've Had A Beer Brewed For Them


Status Quo (Piledriver)
Iron Maiden (The Trooper)
Elbow (Build A Rocket Boys)
Mastodon (Black Tongue)
Type O Negative (Black No 1)
Phish (Foam)
The Rifles (The General)
Kiss (Destroyer)
Enter Shikari (Sssnakepit)
Pearl Jam (Faithfull)

The Monday List

Ten Songs That Have Been Overused in Film/TV Montages
You're The Best - Joe Esposito
Fix You - Coldplay
I Got You (I Feel Good) - James Brown
Translanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
Atlantic - Keane
All Star - Smash Mouth
I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers
Omen - Prodigy
Oh Yeah - Yello
Bad To The Bone - George Thorogood

The Monday List

Ten Musicians Whose Model Partners Appeared In One Of Their Videos
Billy Joel (Christie Brinkley, Uptown Girl)
Axl Rose (Stephanie Seymour, Don't Cry)
Ric Ocasek (Paulina Porizkova, Drive)
Bryan Ferry (Jerry Hall, Let's Stick Together)
Seal (Heidi Klum, Secret)
Adam Levine (Anne Vyalitsyna, Never Gonna Leave This Bed)
Simon Le Bon (Yasmin Le Bon, Girl Panic!)
Madonna (Tony Ward, Justify My Love)
Jani Lane (Bobbie Brown, Cherry Pie)
Jack White (Karen Elson, Blue Orchid)

Great Random Moments In Fashion History

No 20: Katie Price puts a million small children off ever watching My Little Pony again...

 

Rock Stars Who Look Like Dinner Ladies

No 29: Brad Whitford, Aerosmith

The Monday List

Ten Films You Probably Completely Forgot They Made Into TV Series
Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels
Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure
Nine To Five
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Casablanca
Napoleon Dynamite
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Alice Doesn't Live Here Any More
Dirty Dancing
Uncle Buck

Football Managers Who Look Like Minor Villains Out Of Taggart

No 1 (yes, we do believe we might be able to find more than one of these: Robbie Nielson, Hearts

 

Amazing 'Bag O'Shite' Lookalikes!

Yes, it's a very young Jim White of Sky Sports News HQ fame and student-hating, lager-necking Mancunian layabout, Paul Calf.

The Monday List

Ten Musicians Who've Written Children's Books
Madonna (The English Roses)
Tim McGraw (My Little Girl)
Pete Wentz (The Boy With The Thorn In His Side)
Kylie Minogue (The Showgirl Princess)
Sting (Rock Steady: A Story of Noah's Ark)
Geri Halliwell (Ugenia Lavender)
LeAnn Rimes (Jag)
Paul McCartney (High in the Clouds)
Gloria Estefan (The Magically Mysterious Adventures of Noelle the Bulldog)
Queen Latifah (Queen of the Scene)

The Monday List

Ten Music Videos That Feature Appearances From Comedians

You Can Call Me Al, Paul Simon - Chevy Chase
Touch My Body, Mariah Carey - Jack McBrayer
Can I Play With Madness?, Iron Maiden - Graham Chapman
Whispering Your Name, Alison Moyet - Dawn French
Don't Worry Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin - Robin Williams
Picture of You, Boyzone - Rowan Atkinson
Beautiful Stranger, Madonna - Mike Myers
Anything She Does, Genesis - Benny Hill
Tequila, Terrorvision - Sean Hughes
The Denial Twist, White Stripes - Conan O'Brien

The Monday List

Ten Half Man Half Biscuit Song Titles That Feature Real People

D'ye Ken Ted Moult?
The Len Ganley Stance
Rod Hull Is Alive - Why?
I Hate Nerys Hughes (From The Heart)
99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd
Dickie Davies Eyes
Fuckin' 'Ell It's Fred Titmus
I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves)
The Bastard Son Of Dean Friedman
Outbreak Of Vitas Gerulaitis

The Monday List

Ten People Whose Careers Are Being Kept Alive By SyFy Original Movies

Michael Madsen
Eric Roberts
Tara Reid
Ian Ziering
Tiffany
Richard Grieco
Adam Baldwin
Debbie Gibson
Gary Stretch
Roger Corman

The Monday List

Ten Awards We Didn't Know You Could Actually Win
Lunchpot Product of the Year
Jasmine Awards Best Digital Fragrance Experience
Best Wedding Entertainment (Non-musical)
The Grocer New Product: Desserts - Ambient and Chilled
Personal Contribution To The Plastic Industry
The Platinum Shoe
Best New Route to Multiscreen Monetisation
Forecourt Retailer of the Year
Erotic Trades Only Best Lingerie Distributor
Best British Sound System

Planet Sad's Ridiculously Manly Film Still Of The Day

Lurking in the archives of ridiculous manliness, we find Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider, setting himself on fire - just because he can, you understand. Planet Sad would, of course, like to remind you not to try this at home. That's being Nicolas Cage, not setting yourself on fire...*

*Planet Sad's lawyers, Messrs Huge, Black and Pendulous, would like to advise all readers (hello, both of you!) not to set yourself on fire.

Rock Stars Who Look Like Dinner Ladies

No 28: Neal Schon, Journey

The Monday List

Ten Works Of Fiction Written By Comedians

Cruel Shoes - Steve Martin
The Gun Seller - Hugh Laurie
Barcelona Plates - Alexei Sayle
Well Fared, My Lovely - Les Dawson
The Liar - Stephen Fry
Sorting Out Billy - Jo Brand
The Road To Mars - Eric Idle
Mr Lonely - Eric Morecambe
Between The Bridge And The River - Craig Ferguson
Full Whack - Charlie Higson

What Planet Sad Has Learned From The Commonwealth Games

No 2: The Keirin would be even more entertaining if it was led out by someone dressed like this

What Planet Sad Has Learned From The Commonwealth Games

No 1: Rhythmic gymnastics is Cirque du Soleil with voting

 

The Monday List

Ten More Music Videos That Feature Policemen


Payphone - Maroon 5
Respectable - Mel and Kim
Dance With Me Tonight - Olly Murs
Don't Stop - Foster The People
Freedom At 21 - Jack White
Stoned In Love - Chicane
Never Wanted To Dance - Mindless Self Indulgence
You Make Me Sick - Pink
Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance
Pure Morning - Placebo

The Monday List

Ten Unlikely Celebrity Guest Editors

Jemima Khan (New Statesman)
The Happy Mondays (Penthouse)
Vampire Weekend (Metro)
Victoria Beckham (Vogue Paris)
The Chuckle Brothers (The Northern Echo)
Patsy Kensit (She)
Bono (The Independent)
Gwyneth Paltrow (Red)
Prince Charles (Country Life)
Kanye West (Complex)

The Adge Files - 'At Least He's Not Flogging Double Glazing' Edition

And here's the latest shameless attempt by a well-known company to try and sucker us into mentioning them. This chap is from a website who would like us to go compare his enormous sidburns to those of various other serial irritants from long-running ad campaigns. But, seeing as we kind of plugged the product, can we have first dibs on ghost-writing his inevitable 'autobiography', which will no doubt be brought out in time to cash in on the lucrative Christmas toilet reading market?

Amazing 'We're Gonna Score' Lookalikes

It's... Butt-head out of Beavis and Butt-head, and incoming Manchester United football manager, Louis Van Gaal.

Laten we breken iets*, as the Dutch might say.

*Let's go break something...

The Monday List

Ten More Song Titles Featuring Real People

Brian Wilson, Barenaked Ladies
Kim Wilde, Charlotte Hatherley
Richard III, Supergrass
Tom Ford, Jay-Z
Steve McQueen, Sheryl Crow
Lighten Up Morrissey, Sparks
Michael Stipe, P
Levi Stubbs' Tears, Billy Bragg
Johnny Carson, The Beach Boys
Frank and Jesse James, Warren Zevon

Amazing "Men Without Jimmy Wigs" Lookalikes

Amélie Mauresmo and Ivan Doroschuk

The Monday List

Ten Celebrities With Missing Fingers
Dave Allen
Daryl Hannah
Jerry Garcia
Tony Iommi
Boris Yeltsin
Lee Van Cleef
James Doohan
Matthew Perry
Vince Vaughn
Dan Burn who plays for Fulham

Great Random Moments In Wimbledon Fashion History

No 1: Bradley Cooper and Gerry Gerard Butler share an awkward moment as they try not to admit the other guy looks better in the suit than they do...

 

The Monday List

Ten Major Film Stars And Their Very Minor Screen Credits

Jeff Goldblum - Freak #1, Death Wish
Sharon Stone - Pretty Girl On Train, Stardust Memories
Sylvester Stallone - Youth In Park, The Prisoner of Second Avenue
Pierce Brosnan - 1st Irishman, The Long Good Friday
Anjelica Huston - Court Lady, Hamlet
Nicholas Cage - Brad's Bud, Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Jean-Claude Van Damme - Gay Karate Man, Monaco Forever
Scarlett Johansson - Little Girl, Fall
Cary Elwes - Disco Dancer, Yesterday's Hero
Matthew McConaughey - Guy #2, My Boyfriend's Back

The Monday List

Who's She Killed This Time?: Ten Actresses Who've Had Bit Parts In Every Incarnation of CSI
Cassidy Freeman
Lisa Brenner
Meredith Monroe
Melinda Page Hamilton
Lindsay Pulsipher
Emily Foxler
Tiffany Dupont
Helena Mattsson
Kathleen York
Aimee Garcia

Planet Sad At The Movies: In The Name Of The King

The many emotions of Ray Liotta, as expressed during the course of the film

The many emotions of Burt Reynolds, as expressed during the course of the film

Huge Man, Tiny (Ex) Wife - Trooping The Colour Edition

Princess Anne and Commander Tim Laurence