The Monday List

Ten Team Names You'll Find In Every Five-a-side Football League
Hardly Athletic
Real Ale Madrid
Shakhtar Senseless
Sporting Abeergut
Borussia Munchinflapjack
Multiple Scoregasms
Norfolk and Chance
Substandard Liege
Real Sosobad
Inter Yer Mam

Rorschach's Journal

"Am now regretting what I did while seriously bored and lonely during a holiday in the Brecon Beacons five months ago…"

Planet Sad's Jennifer Aniston Correspondent Writes - The Sequel

Further to our last report, that Jennifer and Justin Theroux were 'off', we have it on good authority (okay, we read it on the back of a fag packet or somewhere) that they're 'on' again and are now discussing eloping to Mexico.

Word of advice, Jen, love: when the man you're with talks about running away very fast to another country, that doesn't actually mean he wants to elope...

The Monday List

Who's He Killed This Time?: Ten Actors Who've Had Bit Parts In Every Incarnation of CSI

D.B. Sweeney
Rick Hoffman
Robert Curtis Brown
Josh Randall
Patrick Fischler
Taylor Handley
Michael Welch
Bug Hall
Dax Griffin
Joe Manganiello

Colin Farrell's Unhappy Return To Bruges

"Feck! I'm after dropping me chocolate tits in the Minnewater. Feck! Feck! FECK!"

The Monday List

The Ten Most Manly Jean-Claude Van Damme Character Names

Samson Gaul (6 Bullets)
Phillipe Sauvage (The Hard Corps)
Vincent Brazil (Assassination Games)
Kyle LeBlanc (In Hell)
Marcus Ray (Knock Off)
Chance Boudreaux (Hard Target)
Gibson Rickenbacker (Cyborg)
Chad Wagner (Double Impact)
Kurt Sloane (Kickboxer)
Edward Garrotte (Replicant)

Ken 30 Seconds To Mars – An Apology

On Monday 3 March, a post on Planet Sad portrayed Ken 30 Seconds To Mars as saying he'd brung M&S Tuna & Sweetcorn sandwiches to the Oscars. Yesterday, his mum, Constance 30 Seconds To Mars – who, fair play, looked smashing on the night – got in touch with us to point out that in fact he brung M&S Ultimate Gala Pork Pie & Egg With Salad Cream On Wholemeal Bread sandwiches. She'd also like to confirm that this was not an official endorsement, he just really, really likes them and they seemed an appropriate choice for this very special occasion. In fact, Ken doesn't endorse any products* – his bids to replace Jeremy Renner as the face of the American Potato Industry have so far proved unsuccessful. We told Mrs 30 Seconds To Mars that we regret the mistake and the embarrassment, only for her to get a bit arsey and retort, "That's no way to talk about Alexander and Urban Legend – we're proud of every film our Jared has done."
Well, that's us told. Again.

*Well, maybe some drums or something. Who cares?

The Monday List

The Ten Most Manly Steven Seagal Character Names

Mason Storm (Hard To Kill)
Jonathan Cold (The Foreigner)
Travis Hunter (Into The Sun)
John Hatcher (Marked For Death)
Forrest Taft (On Deadly Ground)
Frank Glass (Ticker)
Casey Ryback (Under Seige)
Jake Hopper (Belly Of The Beast)
Harlan Banks (Today You Die)
Marshall Lawson (Attack Force)

Our Jennifer Aniston Correspondent Writes...

I understand from a reliable source (i.e. some trashy magazine I was reading in the hairdressers') that Jennifer Aniston has split up from her fiance, Justin Theroux. Jen is currently being consoled by former co-star Gerry Gerard THIS... IS... HAMMING! Butler.

 'Oh, Gerry, it's such a coincidence. 300 is the number of my ex-boyfriends.'

'That's great, hen, but I could murder a deep-fried Mars Bar...'

A Polite Request From Planet Sad

Dear everyone who puts together TV ads, needs background music for montages on everything from Holiday Hit Squad to This Morning to Premier League Darts, or plays tunes over the Tannoy at any Football League ground, please, please, please stop using Happy by Pharrell Williams.

Otherwise, we may be forced to point out that his extremely fashionable hat

actually makes him look like he's escaped from the Goodies' scout troupe...

Your cooperation is gratefully received, thank you.

Greta and Freda Sad

PS Graeme Garden - ADGE!

The Monday List

Ten More Celebrity Couples You'd Probably Completely Forgotten About

Naomi Campbell and Adam Clayton out of U2
Peter Powell and Anthea Turner
Courteney Cox and Michael Keaton
Angelina Jolie and Jonny Lee Miller
Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow
Jim Kerr and Chrissie Hynde
Eva Herzigova and Tico Torres out of Bon Jovi
Danni Minogue and Jacques Villeneuve
Robert Downey Jr and Sarah Jessica Parker
John Leslie and Catherine Zeta Jones

Planet Sad At The Oscars (How EFFING topical are we, eh, readers?)

Click on the picture to prevent eyestrain!

Great Random Moments In Fashion - Oscar Night Special

While we sit with a bowl of cheesy pretzel pieces, feverishly waiting to see who's come dressed as a pillock to the Oscars this year, here are a couple of our favourite great random moments in Academy Award fashion history. Above is Bjork at the 2001 ceremony. Please don't be unkind about her choice of outfit, because she will break your arm with her wing.

And here's Trey Parker and Matt Stone showing up for South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut at the 2000 ceremonies. Trey looks like he's enjoying wearing that frock just a little bit too much and Matt is, of course, now married to Chris Martin out of Coldplay...