The Monday List

Ten Things We're Really, Really Bored Of in Modern TV Detective Series

The main character being a maverick cop who plays by their own rules

The station pathologist who's so immune to death they're constantly eating while they perform an autopsy

The chief constable who's constantly at loggerheads with our hero yet has a grudging respect for their unorthodox approach to crime solving

The main character having a fondness for a bizarrely specific musical genre, usually difficult jazz, because this somehow humanises them

If the detective is male, they have a boring wife/girlfriend who hates how they are really married to the job

If the detective is female, they have a boring wife/girlfriend who hates how they are really married to the job

The action being based in a part of the UK that allows for lots of long, lingering drone shots of the most recognisable local landmarks

The main character having to deal with a parent who's suffering from dementia, because this somehow humanises them

The entire investigating team decamping to their local bar to discuss the case at the drop of a hat

The ridiculously high proportion of bent cops at the heart of every single investigation

The Monday List

Ten Rejected Titles For My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3

My Bigger, Fatter, Greeker Wedding

My Big Fat Greek One-night Stand

My Big Fat Greek Hen Party

My Big Fat Greek Divorce

My Big Fat Greek Wedding: Zombie Acropolis

My Big Fat Greek Wedding: The Legend Of Curly's Gold

My Big Fat What's A Greek Urn? 30 Drachmas A Week

It's All Big Fat Greek To Me

Tyler Perry's Big Fat Greek Wedding

My Big Fat Greek Wedding: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire 

The Monday List

The Ten Punniest Names Of Rat Brewery Beers

Bad Rattitude

Ratsputin

The Rat Of Khan

Anth-rats

Dark Ratanic Mills

Rat Hot Chilli Peppers

Rata Benitez

We Plough The Fields And Ratter

Unholy Ratrimony

Sepp Ratter

The Monday List

A Mad, Mad Cannonball Run In Their Flying Machines: Ij River Edition

Op klompen! The Planet Sad Bank Holiday movie chase sequence returns, because why not? And this time the action (such as it is) is taking place on Amsterdam's Ij river, since we had a lot of Dutch stuff we wanted to gratuitously mention. Tiptoeing through the watery tulips are:

A Lovers canal tour boat

The Pannenkoekboot, serving pancakes, more pancakes, and some typically Dutch arm-waving singalong numbers

The Supper Club big gay disco boat, belting out Hazell Dean at 1000 decibells

Van der Valk in his houseboat, being all moody and pining after some bird

The F2 ferry to Ijplein

A Viking river cruise ship, off to do a scenic promo to fit between episodes of Vera on ITV3

A massive barge taking a load of coal or car parts or something to Germany

Another massive barge bringing a load of coal or car parts or something back from Germany

A couple of blokes in a glorified rubber dinghy, downing a six-pack of Heineken and hoping to catch a few fish

Two tourists on a pedalo who took a wrong turn at the end of the Herengracht

The Flying Dutchman

The Bulldog Coffeeshop boat, somehow managing to make getting stoned appear about as much fun as clipping your toenails

The Monday List

Ten Signs You May Be In A Buddy Cop Movie

For unknown reasons, your partner is a member of the opposite sex/dog/alien

Your immediate boss is two days away from retiring, which means he will most likely be senselessly murdered in the next fifteen minutes

You are unable to hold a conversation in anything other than wisecracks

The chief wants you in his office. Now!

You're in a car chase, during which 95 per cent of the vehicles owned by the local police department will be destroyed

You are a loner with a very short fuse and your partner is a loving family man

Failing that, you are a loving family man and your partner is a loner with a very short fuse

You have a long-suffering wife just doesn't get 'the job'

You're investigating a murder conspiracy that could go all the way to the top

You are Judge Reinhold

The Monday List

Because We Haven't Done This For, Ooh, At Least Five Minutes, It's The Ear-Assaulting Return Of Ten More Unnecessary Cover Versions

No Regrets, Midge Ure

Respect Yourself, The Kane Gang

No More Tears (Enough Is Enough), Kym Mazelle & Jocelyn Brown

Iko Iko, Natasha

Only You (And You Alone), Child

Montego Bay, Amazulu

She's Not There, UK Subs

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted, Dave Stewart and Colin Blunstone

Stairway To Heaven, Far Corporation

Under The Boardwalk, Bruce Willis

The Monday List

The Ten Most Bizarre Variety Names For Roses

Tottering-By-Gently

Bright As A Button

Joseph's Coat

Happy Retirement

A Whiter Shade of Pale

Diamond Dad

Narrow Water

Champagne Moment

Eyes For You

It's A Wonderful Life