The Monday List

Ten Team Names You'll Find In Every Five-a-side Football League
Hardly Athletic
Real Ale Madrid
Shakhtar Senseless
Sporting Abeergut
Borussia Munchinflapjack
Multiple Scoregasms
Norfolk and Chance
Substandard Liege
Real Sosobad
Inter Yer Mam

Rorschach's Journal

"Am now regretting what I did while seriously bored and lonely during a holiday in the Brecon Beacons five months ago…"

Planet Sad's Jennifer Aniston Correspondent Writes - The Sequel

Further to our last report, that Jennifer and Justin Theroux were 'off', we have it on good authority (okay, we read it on the back of a fag packet or somewhere) that they're 'on' again and are now discussing eloping to Mexico.

Word of advice, Jen, love: when the man you're with talks about running away very fast to another country, that doesn't actually mean he wants to elope...

The Monday List

Who's He Killed This Time?: Ten Actors Who've Had Bit Parts In Every Incarnation of CSI

D.B. Sweeney
Rick Hoffman
Robert Curtis Brown
Josh Randall
Patrick Fischler
Taylor Handley
Michael Welch
Bug Hall
Dax Griffin
Joe Manganiello

Colin Farrell's Unhappy Return To Bruges

"Feck! I'm after dropping me chocolate tits in the Minnewater. Feck! Feck! FECK!"

The Monday List

The Ten Most Manly Jean-Claude Van Damme Character Names

Samson Gaul (6 Bullets)
Phillipe Sauvage (The Hard Corps)
Vincent Brazil (Assassination Games)
Kyle LeBlanc (In Hell)
Marcus Ray (Knock Off)
Chance Boudreaux (Hard Target)
Gibson Rickenbacker (Cyborg)
Chad Wagner (Double Impact)
Kurt Sloane (Kickboxer)
Edward Garrotte (Replicant)

Ken 30 Seconds To Mars – An Apology

On Monday 3 March, a post on Planet Sad portrayed Ken 30 Seconds To Mars as saying he'd brung M&S Tuna & Sweetcorn sandwiches to the Oscars. Yesterday, his mum, Constance 30 Seconds To Mars – who, fair play, looked smashing on the night – got in touch with us to point out that in fact he brung M&S Ultimate Gala Pork Pie & Egg With Salad Cream On Wholemeal Bread sandwiches. She'd also like to confirm that this was not an official endorsement, he just really, really likes them and they seemed an appropriate choice for this very special occasion. In fact, Ken doesn't endorse any products* – his bids to replace Jeremy Renner as the face of the American Potato Industry have so far proved unsuccessful. We told Mrs 30 Seconds To Mars that we regret the mistake and the embarrassment, only for her to get a bit arsey and retort, "That's no way to talk about Alexander and Urban Legend – we're proud of every film our Jared has done."
Well, that's us told. Again.

*Well, maybe some drums or something. Who cares?