On The Fifth Day Of Christmas, Planet Sad Gave To Me...

 Five gold Mings!

The Monday List

Ten Things That Will Be Over In 2022

Hard seltzer

Fred Sirieix

Pulled jackfruit

Squid Game

Matcha tea flavoured everything

Self-absorbed TikTok dance routines

Salt Bae

Non-fungible tokens

Having a wardrobe that is 75 per cent 'athleisure wear' 

Yep, you guessed it, the Kardashians

Happy Planet Sad Christmas

 

Season's greetings from Jeremy Renner, and Greta and Freda Sad. And yes, this joke is our attempt to roast a potato at Christmas...

The Monday List

Ten People Who Have Appeared In An Unnecessary Number Of Hallmark Christmas Movies

Lacey Chabert

Daniel Bacon

Lori Laughlin

Candace Cameron Bure

Lauren Holly

Dean Cain

Anne Heche

Danica McKellar

Brennan Elliott

Torrey DeVitto

The Monday List

Ten Unnecessary Cover Versions - All I Want For Christmas Is You Edition

All I Want For Christmas Is You, My Chemical Romance

All I Want For Christmas Is You, Cee Lo Green

All I Want For Christmas Is You, Hanson

All I Want For Christmas Is You, The Puppini Sisters

All I Want For Christmas Is You, Zebrahead

All I Want For Christmas Is You, Jamie Cullum

All I Want For Christmas Is You, Marillion

All I Want For Christmas Is You, 1910 Fruitgum Company

All I Want For Christmas Is You, Bowling For Soup

All I Want For Christmas Is You, Dolly Parton & Jimmy Fallon

The Monday List

The Ten Albums On The Planet Sad Gramophone This Christmas

A Cheetah-licious Christmas - The Cheetah Girls

Have Yourself A Meaty Little Christmas - Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Hell's Bells of Christmas: The Holiday Tribute to AC/DC

A Rosie Christmas - Rosie O'Donnell

Here Comes Santa Claws - Jingle Cats

A Proggy Christmas - The Prog World Orchestra

You Snows It (A Goldie Lookin Christmas) - Goldie Lookin Chain

Swing Cats Presents A Rockabilly Christmas 

I Know What He Wants For Christmas... But I Don't Know How To Wrap It! - Kay Martin And Her Body Guards

Funked Up Christmas - James Brown

The Marvel-ous Return Of Huge Man, Tiny Wife

Yes, it's Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet - and no, we're not going to say anything unkind about the comedy size difference, in case he goes all Aquaman and tries to twat us with a shark, or something...

The Monday List

The Ten Most Bizarre Farrow And Ball Paint Shades

James White

Dead Salmon

Charlotte's Locks

Borrowed Light

Savage Ground

Mole's Breath

Setting Plaster

Nancy's Blushes

Drop Cloth

Mouse's Back

Martin Roberts Off Of Homes Under The Hammer, Brush Your Hair!

 

The Monday List

Ten Unnecessary Cover Versions - Shane Richie Edition

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word, Shane Richie

Everybody Wants To Rule The World, Shane Richie

Daydream Believer, Shane Richie

I Won't Let The Sun Go Down On Me, Shane Richie

What A Fool Believes, Shane Richie

She's Gone, Shane Richie

Just When I Needed You Most, Shane Richie

I'm Your Man, Shane Richie

Tired Of Being Alone, Shane Richie

Drift Away, Shane Richie

The Monday List

Ten Songs That Have Had Completely Unnecessary Ben Liebrand Remixes

Eve Of The War, Jeff Wayne

Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel, Tavares

Black Betty, Ram Jam

Paranoimia, Art Of Noise

You Sexy Thing, Hot Chocolate

In The Air Tonight, Phil Collins

Englishman In New York, Sting

December '63 (Oh What A Night), Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

Lovely Day, Bill Withers

Rapper's Delight, The Sugarhill Gang

The Monday List

Ten Animated Sitcoms You Probably Completely Forgot About

Warren United

Rex The Runt

Monkey Dust

Crapstone Villas

Full English

Father Of The Pride

Bob and Margaret

Pond Life

Stressed Eric

Aaagh! It's The Mr Hell Show!

The Monday List

Ten Movies You Probably Didn't Realise Were Based On Books

Die Hard

Scarface

Dead Calm

Taking of Pelham 123

Deliverance

Kramer vs. Kramer

Scent Of A Woman

What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?

Lady Sings The Blues

The Blue Lagoon

The Monday List

Ten People You Probably Completely Forgot Were Nominated For Oscars

Gary Busey

Carol Kane

Clive Owen

Jennifer Tilly

Randy Quaid

Pauline Collins

James Garner

Eric Roberts

Lily Tomlin

Denholm Elliot

The Monday List

A Further Ten Songs That Don't Feature The Title In Their Lyrics

Ode To Billie Joe - Bobby Gentry

The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars

Feel Good Hit Of The Summer - Queens of the Stone Age

Kings Of The Wild Frontier - Adam and the Ants

Celebrity Skin - Hole

Glory Box - Portishead

Big Log - Robert Plant

A Day In The Life - The Beatles

The Hindu Times - Oasis

One - Metallica

Great Random Moments In Musical History

 

No 21: The Army of Lovers celebrate nipping in to their local charity shop the morning after Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen dropped off a few of his cast-offs...

Great Random Moments In Fashion History

 

No 25: Health Minister of the Netherlands, Hugo de Jonge, proving why Dutch men should not be allowed to buy their own shoes (or button their own jackets...).

The Monday List

While We Wait For Richard Osman To Shoehorn In Another Mention Of Fulham, It's The Return Of Ten Default Answers In Any Episode Of Pointless

Marion Cotillard

Eswatini

Worcester Shrub Hill

J.M. Coetzee

Ruthenium

Millard Fillmore

St Asaph

Donna Summer

Shakhtar Donetsk

Paul Collingwood

The Monday List

Because It's Been Way Too Long Since We Had Ten More Unnecessary Cover Versions...

Sunshine After The Rain - Berri

Can't Fight This Feeling - Bastille

Yellow - G4

That's The Way I Like It - Dead or Alive

Yeh Yeh - Matt Bianco

I Only Have Eyes For You - Art Garfunkel

Come See About Me - Shakin' Stevens

Move Over Darling - Tracey Ullman

Long Train Running - Bananarama

Funky Town - Pseudo Echo

Great Random Moments In Fashion History

 

No 24: Daniel Craig arrives at the No Time To Die premiere pondering the best moment to unleash the old 'massive spinning bow tie' gag...

The Monday List

Squint And It Might Be Them, It's The Rock-tastic Return Of Ten Great Tribute Band Names

Hoaxwind

Pink Fraud

The Black Eyed Teaz

Nierly Diamond

The Cheatles

Adam And The Aints

Unravelling Wilburys

Oasish

Robbing Williams

Iffy Clyro

The Monday List

Ten Rock Stars You Probably Completely Forgot Were In Movies

Mick Fleetwood, The Running Man

Alice Cooper, Prince of Darkness

Nancy Wilson, Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Ozzy Osbourne, Trick Or Treat

Gene Simmons, Runaway

Rob Halford, Spun

Bret Michaels, A Letter From Death Row

Bruce Dickinson, Chemical Wedding

Richie Sambora, On The Line

Carl McCoy, Hardware

The Monday List

Ten Famous Brits You Didn't Know Had Streets Named After Them In Amsterdam

Benjamin Britten

Agatha Christie

James Watt

Daniel Defoe

Adam Smith

Emmeline Pankhurst

Bertrand Russell

Charlotte Bronte

Edmund Halley

Thomas Malthus

Chrissie Hynde Is Very Disappointed In You

 

The Monday List

Put Down The AA Road Map Of Britain, It's A Further Ten Actors Who Sound Like Old Villages

Saffron Hocking

Oakes Fegley

Dempsey Bovell

Preston Lacy

Holmes Osbourne

Milton Barnes

Darrett Sanders

Leland Orser

Terrell Clayton

Dalton Harrod

The Monday List

Ten More Films That Are Based On Songs

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Yellow Submarine

Purple People Eater

Coward Of The County

Monster Mash

Riders In The Sky

Big Bad John

The Gambler

Dolly Parton's Coat Of Many Colors

Bad Romance

The Monday List

The Largely Mirth-free Return Of Ten Sitcoms You've Probably Completely Forgotten About

Sharon and Elsie

Grass

Bottle Boys

Lazarus & Dingwall

Hot Metal

Sitting Pretty

Hilary

Roger & Val Have Just Got In

According To Bex

Ffizz

Gerard Butler Is Very Disappointed In You...On A Submarine

 

The Monday List

Ten Celebrity Panel Shows You Probably Completely Forgot About

It's Not You It's Me

Whose Baby?

Fake Reaction

The Mad Bad Ad Show

Whodunit?

Bognor Or Bust

Pop Quiz

Comedy World Cup

And Then You Die

It's Only TV...But I Like It

Footballers Who Sound Like Minor Characters In Star Wars

 No 1 in a series the Force may be with: Admiral Muskwe

The Monday List

The Ten Most Cliched Motivational Slogans

There's no 'I' in 'team'

Winners never quit and quitters never win

Success doesn't come to you, you go to it

Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss you'll land among the stars

Your attitude determines your altitude

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail

Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching

You miss 100 per cent of the shots you don't take

It's not whether you fall down but whether you get back up

Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard

The Monday List

Ten More Songs That Don't Feature The Title In Their Lyrics

10538 Overture - ELO

Dakota - Stereophonics

Chop Suey - System of a Down

Shut Up - Madness

I'm Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of? - A Day To Remember

Negasonic Teenage Warhead - Monster Magnet

The Onion Song - Marvin Gaye and Tammy Tyrell

Trampled Under Foot - Led Zeppelin

The Paris Match - The Style Council

Excerpt From A Teenage Opera - Keith West

The Monday List

Ten Rejected Events For The Tokyo Olympics

Godzilla shooting

4 x 400 metre Karaoke

Synchronised bowing

Anime beach volleyball

Sushi wrestling

Artistic noodle slurping

Gothic Lolita relay

Freestyle tentacle porn

Competitive tidying up after yourself

Battle Royale

Dr Samuel Johnson Is Very Disappointed In You

 

The Monday List

Ten Celebrities You Probably Didn't Know Wrote A Cookery Book

Vincent Price

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Coolio

Roger Ebert

Liberace

Gwyneth Paltrow

Patti LaBelle

Kelis

Reece Witherspoon

Snoop Dogg

This Tawny Frogmouth Owl Is Very Disappointed In You

 

The Monday List

Another Vague-Memory-Stirring Selection Of Ten Acts You've Never Heard Of Before, Since Or During

Flash and the Pan - Waiting For A Train

Alice DJ - Better Off Alone

Coffee - Casanova

Carmel - Bad Day

Sweet People - And The Birds Were Singing

Jim Gilstrap - Swing Your Daddy

Sinclair - Ain't No Casanova

Gonzalez - Haven't Stopped Dancing Yet

Karel Fialka - Hey Matthew

After The Fire - Der Kommissar

Amazing 'No, Not That Matthew Perry' Lookalikes!

 

Yes, it's... 'Father of the Steam Navy' Commodore Matthew Perry and 'Father of him who used to be married to Louise out of Eternal' Harry Redknapp. Only one of these men has opened an offshore bank account in the name of his dog and accidentally run over his own wife in the middle of Bournemouth, but we wouldn't be surprised to learn that both of them have had a spell in charge of QPR.

Dexter Fletcher, Brush Your Hair!

 

The Monday List

Ten Films That Were Based On Comic Strips

Garfield

The Adventures of Jane

Modesty Blaise

Dennis the Menace

The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp

Tamara Drewe

Over the Hedge

The Addams Family

Annie

Marmaduke

Judy Murray Is Still Very Disappointed In You

 

Football Managers Who Look Like Dinner Ladies

No 9. Joachim Löw, Germany

The Monday List

Ten Rejected Flavours For Cadbury Inventor Bars

Salted Caramel Brussels Sprout

Cardboard And Sadness

Pomegranate Au Gratin

Overly Sweet Crunchy Bits That Stick In Your Teeth

Green Tea And Two Sugars

Sriracha. Lots And Lots Of Sriracha

Decadent Deadly Nightshade

Has An Odd Aftertaste But We've Stuck A Unicorn On The Packaging So You Won't Notice

Mince

Soylent Green and Black's

The Monday List

Ten Unnecessary Cover Versions - Heroes Edition

Heroes, Katherine Jenkins

Heroes, Motorhead

Heroes, Tangerine Dream

Heroes, David Hasselhoff

Heroes, P.J. Proby

Heroes, King Crimson

Heroes, Glee Cast

Heroes, Peter Gabriel

Heroes, Celtic Frost

Heroes, Oasis

The Monday List

Joining The Two Hundred Club, It's Ten All-New Default Answers In Any Episode Of Pointless

South Sudan

Shakin' Stevens

Lindsay Davenport

Juneau

David Fincher

Protactinium

Virginia Bottomley

Inside No. 9

Arthur Balfour

The County Ground

The Monday List

Ten Movies You Completely Forgot Had Their Own Video Game

Addams Family Values

Ghostbusters

Darkman

The Black Cauldron

Shrek the Third

From Dusk Till Dawn

Hudson Hawk

Napoleon Dynamite

Chicken Run

Porky's

The Monday List

Ten More Music Videos That Feature A Wedding

The Only Exception, Paramore

White Liar, Miranda Lambert

Ready To Run, Dixie Chicks

Running With The Night, Lionel Richie

Spiderwebs, No Doubt

Harder, Jax Jones and Bebe Rexha

The Races, Sports Team

Hotel Yorba, The White Stripes

My Prerogative, Britney Spears

Be Careful, Cardi B

The Monday List

Coming To A Movie Montage Near You, It's Ten More Overused Pieces Of Background Music

That's Life, Frank Sinatra

Bom Bom, Sam and the Womp

Ante Up, M.O.P., Busta Rhymes

Harder Than You Think, Public Enemy

Earthquake, Labrinth

Je Ne Regrette Rien, Edith Piaf

Sirius, Alan Parsons Project

Guaglione, Perez Prado

Party Rock Anthem, LMFAO

300 Violin Orchestra, Jorge Quintero

The Monday List

Ten Unnecessary Cover Versions - Boney M Edition

Dreadlock Holiday, Boney M

King Of The Road, Boney M

Have You Ever Seen The Rain?, Boney M

The Carnival Is Over, Boney M

Heart Of Gold, Boney M

Dizzy, Boney M

Sunny, Boney M

My Cherie Amour, Boney M

Two Of Us, Boney M

No Woman No Cry, Boney M

The Adge Files

 

Continuing our ongoing investigation into sideburns from another realm, we find the late Monte Hellman, responsible for directing such classics as Two-Lane Blacktop and, er, Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!. We'll forgive him any number of straight-to-video nonsense simply for directing his facial hair into this wonderful assembly...

The Monday List

And They've All Been In The Mousetrap - Yes, It's A Further Ten Place Names That Sound Like Old Actors

Egerton Forstal
Pluckley Thorne
Boughton Monchelsea
Stelling Minnis
Romney Street
Sutton Valence
Cowden Pound
Sheldwich Lees
Westfield Sole
Horton Kirby

The Monday List

Ten Celebrity Couples You'd Probably Completely Forgotten About - Naomi Campbell edition

Naomi Campbell and Usher
Naomi Campbell and Leonardo DiCaprio
Naomi Campbell and Tommy Lee out of Mötley Crüe
Naomi Campbell and Mike Tyson
Naomi Campbell and Joaquín Cortés
Naomi Campbell and Eric Clapton
Naomi Campbell and Sylvester Stallone
Naomi Campbell and Prince Albert of Monaco
Naomi Campbell and Liam Payne out of One Direction
Naomi Campbell and Sean 'Diddy' Combs

The Monday List

Ten TV Shows You Completely Forgot Had Their Own Video Game

Grange Hill

The Sopranos

Celebrity Deathmatch

Airwolf

Little Britain

Mastermind

Starsky & Hutch

Allo! Allo!

World's Scariest Police Chases

The Young Ones

The Monday List

Ten Films So Bad They Were Directed By Alan Smithee

Smoke n Lightning

Woman Wanted

Ghost Fever

The Shrimp On The Barbie

Bloodsucking Pharoahs In Pittsburgh

Hellraiser IV: Bloodline

I Love N.Y.

Gypsy Angels

Appointment With Fear

Stitches

The Monday List

Ten Music Videos Set In A Theatre

Poison Arrow, ABC

Josephine, Chris Rea

Love Scenes, Beverley Craven

Read 'Em And Weep, Barry Manilow

A New Flame, Simply Red

Black Swan, BTS

Things Can Only Get Better, Howard Jones

A Kind Of Magic, Queen

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Crash Test Dummies

I'll Be Satisfied, Shakin' Stevens

The Monday List

The Popcorn-tastic Return Of Ten Fake Movies From We Hate Movies We Really Want To Watch

Gangsters And Aliens

Jurassic Fargo

National Lampoon's Senior Hospice

Zero C.H.U.D. Thirty

We Blew Up A Zoo

Dog Van Helsing

E.T. 2: Tim The Alien

Fat University

Jenna Jameson: Capoiera Master

Get Out But Gay

The Monday List

Ten Celebrities You Completely Forgot Had Their Own Fragrance

Halle Berry

Gwen Stefani

Alan Cumming

Carmen Electra

Jennifer Aniston

Gabriela Sabatini

Bruce Willis

Cher Lloyd

Prince

Leona Lewis

Comedy Writers Who Look Like Dinner Ladies

 No 1: Bruce Vilanch

Animals That Sound Like They Might Be A Teensy Bit Racist

 No 2 in a series: The Blackface sheep

The Monday List

Get These On Your iPod! It's The Frankly Astounding Return Of Ten Songs By Acts You've Never Heard Of Before, Since, or During

Keith Marshall - Only Crying

Raffaella Cara - Do It Do It Again

Snowy White - Bird of Paradise

Total Contrast - Takes A Little Time

Goldie - Making Up Again

Cock Robin - The Promise You Made

Raw Silk - Do It To The Music

Blue Zoo - Cry Boy Cry

Dee D Jackson - Automatic Lover

Dan-I - Monkey Chop

The Monday List

Ten Unnecessary Cover Versions - James Last Orchestra Edition

Telegram Sam, James Last

Dancing With Tears In My Eyes, James Last

Games Without Frontiers, James Last

She Bop, James Last

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, James Last

Heaven Is A Place On Earth, James Last

Rasputin, James Last

Macho Man, James Last

Doctorin' The Tardis, James Last

Smalltown Boy, James Last

Animals That Sound Like They Might Be A Teensy Bit Racist

 No 1 in a series: the Southern Right whale

The Monday List

Ten Rejected Themes For Sky Movie Channels

Sky Shameless Oscar Bait

Sky Cheap-looking CGI

Sky Eighties Boob Comedies

Sky Alan Smithee

Sky Slow-moving Pretentious Horror

Sky Convoluted Twist Endings

Sky Erotic Thrillers That Are Neither Erotic Nor Thrilling

Sky Doughy Gerard Butler

Sky Jump Scares

Sky Sharknado

Planet Sad's Incredibly (Wo)Manly Film Still Of The Day

Proving women can be every bit as incredibly manly as men, here's Lauren Cohan out of The Walking Dead and Ronda Rousey out of putting people's faces back for a living (aka WWE) in a still from When Parallel Parking Goes Wrong, sorry, Mile 22...

The Monday List

Ten Cartoon Series You Completely Forgot About

Wait Till Your Father Gets Home

Inch High Private Eye

The Jackson 5ive

The Houndcats

Josie And The Pussycats In Outer Space

Arthur! And The Square Knights Of The Round Table

The Funky Phantom

Valley Of The Dinosaurs

The Osmonds

Bailey's Comets

The Monday List

Ten More Of The Best Pest Control Truck Names In Bob's Burgers
Rat-so Rid-o
How The Pest Was Won
Fleas Just Not Into You
Two Crickets To Paradise
Hit The Rodent Jack
Too Bug To Fail
They Termite Be Giants
No More Mr Mice Guy
Verm-in-ent Vacation
Is That Your Final Ant, Sir?

The Monday List

Ten Professions That Are Way More Common In Movies Than In Real Life

Florist

Architect

Bookshop owner

Wedding planner

Bounty hunter

Editor of a women's magazine

Interior designer

Archaeologist

Art gallery curator

Private detective

The Monday List

Ten Top Reasons For Failing Your Driving Test

Reversing around a roundabout

Performing a seventeen-point turn

Offering the examiner a cheeky nip from your hip flask while waiting at lights

Mounting a lollipop lady

Detouring via MacDonald's drive-thru to pick up a quarter pounder and fries

Driving both ways along a one-way street

Downhill hill start

Winding down window as you pass a cyclist and yelling 'Get off and milk it!'

Balancing teacup poodle in your lap for the entire test

Failure to properly execute Tokyo Drift

The Monday List

Ten Signs You Might Be A Character In A John Hughes Movie

You live in a house in a nice suburb of Chicago which is only marginally smaller than Buckingham Palace

You and your siblings are the kind of syrupy cute and precocious children for whom the word 'moppet' was invented

You are engaged in what should be a simple journey but which has progressively turned into a comedic nightmare

One of your closest friends is an oily yuppie creep played by James Spader

Your mother and father are both incredibly loving and yet somehow completely oblivious to your presence

You have that one slobby, blue-collar relative you really don't want to think about until circumstances force you together

You subsequently find said slobby, blue-collar relative has a heart of gold and would make a better parent than you do

The principal of your high school is a dick, or Jeffrey Jones, or both

You have an irritatingly quirky best friend who would have been out as gay if that had been acceptable in the Eighties

You are Molly chuffing Ringwald

The Monday List

Ten TV Shows You Completely Forgot Were Turned Into Movies

The Sweeney

Rising Damp

Doomwatch

Are You Being Served?

George And Mildred

For The Love Of Ada

Whoops Apocalypse

Callan

The Likely Lads

Man About The House

The Monday List

Ten Films We'd Like To See Turned Into West End Musicals

Oldboy

Hostel

Irreversible

Hannibal Rising

Funny Games

Hereditary

Hard Candy

Grave of the Fireflies

Requiem For A Dream

Martyrs

The Monday List

Ten More Great Burgers Of The Day From Bob's Burgers
Curry On My Wayward Bun
The Roquefort Files
Beets Of The Southern Wild
If Looks Could Kale
Don't You Four-Cheddar Bout Me
Let's Give 'Em Something Shiitake 'Bout
Olive And Let Die
Fig Lebowski
Home For The Challah-Days
Bleu By You

The Monday List

Ten workplaces where you will inevitably come to a sticky end in a horror film

An asylum for the criminally insane

A summer camp in the middle of the woods

A radio station

A lighthouse

A university campus, especially if located in Massachusetts

A mine

A research laboratory

An archaeological dig

An amusement park

A space station