Sunday 28 February 2010

It's A Dog's Life!



So, there we were, languishing in front of The Wright Stuff, idly engaging in a debate of our own – as to whether our supermarket own-brand snacks were maize or cassava-based – when the phone rang.
I picked up, only to be asked by a well-spoken operator if we’d ‘be prepared to take a reverse-charge call from Giant George’.
Well, talk about exciting! Every news channel we’d seen that morning had been buzzing with the story of the enormous yet affable Great Dane dog loping his way into the record books by dint of his massive size. The world’s media was his oyster, and yet he’d chosen to contact Planet Sad.
‘Knock yourself out!’ yawned Freda, who is more of a cat person. ‘I’m gonna watch that Best Of South Park VHS tape we found in the skip round the back of the charity shop.’
It was the strangest phone conversation I’ve had in a long time, which was saying something. I’d expected to talk to Giant George’s ‘people’, not the famous beast himself, although he did appear to have some kind of canine-language interpreter on hand. Or paw. Whatever.
Then, curiouser and curiouser. Firstly, I couldn’t help but notice the weird similarity in tone between the barks, growls, grunts and whimpers of Giant George and his translator’s voice. Not unpleasant – somewhat like having chocolate melted to slightly warmer than body temperature then poured slowly into your ear.
This somewhat tempered the explicit nature of the conversation. Talk of ‘giant paws all over the place’, ‘slobbering’ and ‘deep-red lipstick’.
However, I was finding it hard to concentrate, due to the noise from the TV.
‘What the hell is that?’ I asked Freda.
Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride,’ she mumbled.
‘Well, you’re gonna have to pause it ’til I’m off the phone, then. It’s feeding back whenever Giant George barks.’
‘No it isn’t.’
‘WOOF!’ [‘Woof!’] ‘WOOF!’ [‘Woof!’] ‘WOOF!’ [‘Woof!’]
‘Yes it is. It just did. Giant George barked and it’s like it echoed on the screen. Just a bit yappier.’
‘No, that was just Stan’s gay dog, Sparky, barking.’
Now, the only sound I heard was silence – maybe a slight static crackle on the phone line. And the faint, metaphorical tinkle of a penny dropping. Distant but rolling closer…
‘Freda,’ I said slowly. ‘Who was it voiced Sparky, the gay dog, again?’
She looked at me, eyes widening in realisation.
‘I know that’s you, George Clooney!’ I shouted down the phone.
‘Woof?’ whimpered a voice, now amplified by the loudspeaker. We will admit we felt a sneaking admiration for the Oscar-winner’s range. For how he’d thought to pitch his Great Dane barks lower than the yelps of the lap-sized Sparky. But the timbre of his voice could not be disguised. The gig – not to mention our dander – was now well and truly up.
‘How could you, George Clooney?’ I berated him. ‘You lied and said you were Giant George. Why would you claim to be this noble beast?’ But, even as I said it, we already knew the answer.
‘I fancied… a go,’ he said, his voice small now, and yet still dark, rich and potently energising, like some kind of vocal espresso bean. ‘And if you let me have a go, you will be calling me Giant George.’
For one scant second I considered it. I thought of those big, liquescent brown eyes gazing into mine. Bigger and more liquescent than those of the real Giant George…
‘Oi!’ said Freda. I snapped out of my reverie. ‘Oi – Sexual Harassment Panda is about to start.’
‘Begone, George Clooney, you sexual harassment… er… dog pretender!’ I hissed, then slammed the phone down.
I allowed myself a gentle sigh, then picked the foil off our last Tunnock’s Teacake as we sang along to the iconic Primus theme. Once again, we knew we’d made a wise decision.

Hey, kids! Never watch Scooby-Doo on acid, y'feel us?

Monday 22 February 2010

Great Random Moments In Fashion History

No 3: Lady GaGa goes out for the evening in the only clean thing which was left in the laundry basket



The Monday List

The Ten Most Professionally Kooky Women In Showbiz
Tori Amos
Melanie Griffith
Cyndi Lauper
Rosanna Arquette
Kate Bush
Calista Flockhart
Liz Fraser out of This Mortal Coil
Alanis Morrisette
Meg Ryan
Bjork

Sunday 21 February 2010

Bode Miller's Big Impression!

Albert Steptoe

Popeye

We could also suggest that the previously maverick American skier has done an admirable one-man impersonation of On Thin Ice or even Scott Of The Antarctic – getting pipped to the post by a dastardly* Norwegian – but that would just be mean. STOP PRESS! It wouldn't be totally accurate now, either, as he’s just won a gold. YOU GO, BODE MILLER! (Etc.)

*When dastardly is defined as ‘kicking your arse by being better’.

Wednesday 17 February 2010

And In Celebrity Kiddie News...



Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has joined Bloodhound Gang.


Happy St Fintan's Day!

If you didn't know February 17th was St Fintan's Day, you're not alone. Neither did we until we did some random Googling while waiting for our daily dose of Flog It! with that nice Paul Martin. Consider that little piece of useless knowledge our gift to you. And to celebrate, here's a picture of a sweary priest with an unfeasibly loud ghetto blaster. Because we had our fun, and that's all that matters...

 

Monday 15 February 2010

The Monday List

Ten Celebrities Who Look Like They Could Use A Wash
Matthew McConaughey
Courtney Love
Bobby Gillespie out of Primal Scream
Chrissie Hynde
Rowland Rivron
Goldie Hawn
Harvey Keitel
Simon Mayo
Billy Bob Thornton
Amy Winehouse

Friday 12 February 2010

Great Random Moments In Fashion History

No 2: Drewe Broughton accessorises his pants to the flashing on his Rotherham away shirt:

Tuesday 9 February 2010

Planet Sad's Tribute To The Five-a-side Moustache

Facial hair is a funny thing. While there's always one kid in your class who's sporting a full beard and Adge Cutler sideburns by the age of twelve (in Planet Sad's case it was Janice Higginbottom. Boy, were we envious!), there are others who can never quite manage to grow a moustache however long they try. And yet they continue to try. Here are our favourite examples of snotty taches which would really benefit from a visit from the Gillette Mach 3 fairy:

The Gary Neville: at least his brother likes it

The Yossi Benayoun: actually makes your nose recoil in horror

The Prince: you sexy nostril-plucker

The Orlando Bloom: not in the best of elf
The Cletus Spruckle: admired by his wife and his sister (even if they are the same person)
The Stacy Prammansudh: above par for the LPGA

Monday 8 February 2010

The Monday List

Ten Women Who've Been Involved In 'A Domestic'
Nicole Rothschild (Mrs Dudley Moore)
Liza Minelli
Mrs Stephen Hawking
Mrs Lee Hendrie
Mayo Methot (Mrs Humphrey Bogart)
Whitney Houston
Tawny Kitaen
Mrs Christian Slater
At least one Mrs Sean Bean
Mrs Mini-me

Wednesday 3 February 2010

Great Random Moments In Fashion History

No 1: Victoria Beckham nips out to the shops dressed as Inspector Gadget


Amazing Suspiciously Orange Mediaeval Devil*-Nosed Lookalikes!



Jim Rosenthal and Rebecca Loos

*Credit to Fantasy Football League for the Mediaeval Devil concept. Never stops being funny!

Monday 1 February 2010

Footballers Who Sound Like The Matriarch In An ITV Soap Opera

No 1 in a series of - you guessed it:














Pat Baldwin, Colchester United

The Monday List

Ten Men Who've Been Involved In 'A Domestic':
OJ Simpson
Rick Allen out of Def Leppard (nice trick with one arm!)
David Soul
Jackson Browne
Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown
Ike Turner
Charles ‘Charlie’ Sheen
Bobby Brown
Jan-Michael Vincent
Sean Bean