Planet Sad At The Movies: Three Films That Fail To Live Up To Their Opening Sequence

Basic Instinct 2
The original having catapulted Sharon Stone's flange to worldwide fame, Basic Instinct 2 tries to cash in on a winning formula by having her character, murderous ice queen novelist and underwear-shunner Catherine Trammell, go on another rampage, this time in London. The result is an erotic thriller that's neither erotic nor thrilling. The ludicrous storyline kicks in with an opening in which she's driven through the streets of Docklands by former footballer Stan Collymore, stretching his acting chops by playing a current footballer. To prove what a kinky girl she is, la Stone decides to perform what we shall politely refer to as a Bon Jovi on him while he's speeding along Marsh Wall at 100 miles per hour.

He's either in the throes of ecstasy or asleep, we can't tell

Unable to warn him he's about to crash because she knows it's rude to speak with your mouth full, Sharon scarpers from the sinking car, leaving her hapless lover to his watery fate. While almost every film we can think of could be improved by punting Stanley Victor into West India Dock in the first couple of minutes, Basic Instinct 2 quickly turns into two hours of our life we'll never get back, featuring David Thewlis chowing down on a scenery sandwich in his role as the investigating detective, an orgy sequence that was so arousing we nipped out and put the kettle on and David Morrissey seemingly paying off a heavy tax bill...

David Morrissey is very, very bored...

The Covenant
Warlocks. No, that's not our thoughts on this particular slab of paranormal silliness, but it's not far off. In a small Massachusetts town, the four 'sons of Ipswich' rule the roost, just like any other clique of high school pretty boys with stripper names and limited acting ability, except they're descended from 17th-century witches and have inherited their powers. This gives them a certain cachet with the girls at their school, as the film's opening scene proves.

'Hey man, let's go magically stick a banger up a cat's arse!'

When the police crash the students' unauthorised party, the boys find themselves being pursued through foggy woods by a patrol car, blue lights flashing, all beautifully cut to the strains of Killing Joke's The Death And Resurrection Show. It's established that when it comes to wielding a wand, these boys make Harry Potter look like Sooty. Unfortunately, despite packing the screen with an array of gratuitous bottom shots and more six-packs than the beer aisle at Tesco, The Covenant somehow manages to make homo-eroticism boring. And there was so much potential for these characters to put the willies up each other, too...

'At least if the acting doesn't work out, we'll always have a home in the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue'

American Gigolo
Look, ladies, it's Richard Gere, driving along the highway in his open-topped sports car to the sound of Call Me by Blondie. Isn't he scrummy? He's got an expensive suit, a big watch and shiny, shiny hair...

Those sunglasses are a bit dodgy, though

All you need to know about his lifestyle as upmarket male prostitute Julian Kay is packed into this iconic two-minute sequence. After that, it's something about sleeping with Lauren Hutton and her pointy hurty cheekbones and being framed for murder after doing something kinky with a client and her nasty husband. We think. We were just looking at the pants.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?