Things We'd Pay To See – No1 in a series of however many we can be arsed doing this time

Gene Hunt breaks up an apocalyptic hair-off between Gerard Depardieu and Javier Bardem.

Gerard – "But zere are no trees for ze poor, lost poor children. Decay is zeir toy. Despair is zeir game. Zey have only chaos to climb... Hé, m'sieur, you got a beaune steecking out your arm."

Javier – "..."