The Planet Sad Guide To British Birds

It's that time of year when Springwatch is on TV again, providing the nation with lovingly filmed, high-definition footage of small, adorable woodland creatures being munched by larger and more aggressive woodland creatures. And foxes. Lots and lots and lots of foxes. But we're slightly reluctant to take nature advice from a team consisting of two people who don't appear to brush their hair and a heterosexual man who owns poodles.

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

So here's the Planet Sad Guide To British Birds, compiled by taking a quick peek out of the bedroom curtains when we finally woke up some time this afternoon.

The Sparrow

According to the RSPB, the sparrow is much less common than it used to be. This is mostly due to it taking elocution lessons and learning how to get out of a low-slung sports car without flashing its knickers.

The Starling 

Starlings are greedy and quarrelsome, and can be recognised by their distinctive cry of, 'D'you want some?' They can often be seen hanging round off-licences trying to persuade bigger birds to buy them cans of Polish white cider.

The Great Tit

Great tits exist purely to provide punchlines to jokes in Carry On... films.

The Crow

The Drab-looking Brown One

As you can probably tell, Hole In The Wall had started by this point, and we kind of lost interest. However, our brief foray into twitching revealed that the most frequent visitor to the back garden at Planet Sad Towers is still...